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How to Ask Your Parents For Money (And Get Rejected Fast!)

When you become an adult, parents tend to be the hardest people in the world to ask money from. Not only because they probably have no money to spare but also because you are expected to provide for yourself now! The worst part is when you have to listen to lectures about hard work, thriftiness, and responsibility. Like that would be any consolation to your empty stomach and equally empty leather money clip.
Parents are not exactly heartless. In fact, your parents might just be teaching you about adult responsibilities that you refuse to take as you cling to being a Peter Pan. There is nothing wrong with being a Peter Pan as much as there is nothing wrong with Michael Jackson. Or maybe there is? But I digress. Here is how to make your father hide his leather money clip faster than you can whine "Oh, Pleaaasssseee help me, Mother".
Be the Greatest Liar Who Ever Lived
Never ever tell the truth behind your begging them for money. You can invent good excuses for your real troubles - you are sick when you actually are pregnant and want an abortion fast; you have overran your credit card limit because you bought nice things for your sisters in college when you actually have gambling debts enough to pay the year's mortgage; or you need to take maintenance medicines for depression and anxiety when you are actually a junkie.
If your parents know the real trouble you are in, you can bet your last dollar on your woefully-slim leather money clip that your request will be rejected. Until such time you tell them the truth, maybe.
Discuss How You Plan to Spend the Money
But discuss it in such a way that your true needs will not be addressed. You can be as imaginative as you want in wasting the money they will be loaning you. If you know they have funds for a Hawaii vacation, tell them that you want to go to Hawaii because the doctor ordered it. (Use the depression and anxiety excuse, if you like)
Not only will you end up with lesser money on your leather money clip (cab fare or gasoline sounds familiar?) but you will also be alienating yourself from your miserly parents. No more "Mom, thanks for the quick loan".
Just Because I Said So
You have often heard this phrase from your parents when you were younger. You want to wear Goth makeup and they told you no; you ask why, they tell you "Just because I said so!" Well, now is the time to use the very same phrase to have your wish done.
Never ever give your parents time to decide about your request. Never ever put your reasons on paper lest they find an "i" with no dots and a "t" with no slash. If they sense something fishy about your request, there goes the dollars to feed your hungry leather money clip.
It is a Donation, Not a Loan
And the best way to scare off your parents is to tell them you are asking, not borrowing. Be as insensitive as you can be about their needs. You might just find yourself kissing the door while they slam it on your face. Your old bedroom door, of course. Nobody said anything about loving parents actually throwing you out on the streets!
Of course, if you really need the money for valid purposes, you should never ever follow this advice. Otherwise, you really are asking for trouble, not money.
About the Author
If you only you were one of those successful career people with leather briefcases and a personalized business card holder, you probably will not be asking your parents to fill in your leather money clip. Nevertheless, should you need these things, visit ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com.

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Gimme A Head With Hair

A man's hair are certainly one of his best assets and a matter of pride. For many their loss can cause depression and anxiety that must be taken care of by an expert psychotherapist - or better still by a sports car!
My old pal, Steve, called today, sounding all down in the dumps. "My hair's falling out," Steve said sadly. "So I called my doctor to see if he could give me something to keep it in."
"What did he recommend?" I asked. To which Steve replied, "He said to just use a box."
Poor Steve, like so many other follicly-challenged men his age, he sees the final parting of his hair as a sign that his life is all but over. "It's all downhill from here, man," Steve moaned. "You know how it works. First, you lose your hair, then your teeth, then your bladder control! I might as well go out right now and buy a box of Depends because I'll need them by the weekend!"
"Come on, Steve," I said. "You're being ridiculous." (Mental note: Next time Steve comes to the house, keep him off the new couch.)
When Steve and I were younger, hair was the least of our worries. We came of age in the late '70's, a time when men were men and women were scarce and hair was something we all had plenty of. This was an era influenced by Keith Partridge and Tony Orlando and Grand Funk Railroad and The Bee Gees, who, between them, laid claim to approximately 17% of the world's known hair. Steve and I shared 3%, and the remaining 80% was doled out to everybody else, with most of it going to the inhabitants of the isle of Samoa.
While Steve's coiffure was inspired by the "Elvis Live From Hawaii" poster he had hanging in his room, I sported the official do of the day. My hair was parted perfectly down the middle with microscopic precision, layered back in wings, and hanging down to my shoulders. Styling such a head of hair was a highly technical operation, requiring a steady hand, a keen eye, a stout comb (I used one of those big honkers with a clenched fist on the handle), and sixteen cans of hairspray. I averaged burning up one hair dryer every six days and used so much hairspray that the ozone layer still sends me hate mail. But boy, did I look cool, or at least I thought so at the time. I look back at my 1978 graduation picture now and wonder, "What the hell was I thinking?" I looked like Marlo Thomas after a bad peroxide rinse.
I still have a full head of hair, but I wear it short these days so I don't have to do much to it. Low maintenance hair, my wife calls it. It's not that I've grown lazy. It's that, once the affects of all that hairspray finally wore off, I realized that I only have so much time on earth and spending 1/4 of it with a blow dryer in one hand and a roll brush in the other seemed like an awful waste. But even though I'm not losing my hair, I feel for Steve and other men who are. After all, they are my brothers and I feel their pain. Actually, I'm sitting here with my thumbs in my ears, wiggling my fingers, sticking out my tongue and singing, "Na-a- na- na- na!" I'm sympathetic to your plight, my bald brothers, but in a "better you than me" kind of way. Sorry.
I did my best to make Steve feel better (I felt bad after calling him, "Curly.") I explained that his hair abandoning his head was nothing personal. That's just the way hair works. A man's hair is like a Michigan retiree. It spends forty years working for you atop your head, then, when it's old and tired, it pulls up stakes and heads south, setting up little hair retirement communities all along the way. They sprout up in a man's ears, in his nose, in his eyebrows, all over his back. And I don't even want to talk about those hairy, little buggers that settle in what would be considered the biological equivalent of Miami Beach. There are just some things best left undescribed.
My conversation with Steve did make me wonder how I'll react when my hair finally decides to go. I contacted my friend and well-known haircare expert, Dr. Beechwood A. Jing, Professor Emiritis of the South Hampton Institute of Technology's Hammond-Eggar Anthropological Department, to ask why men are so attached to their hair, especially after it's no longer attached to them.
"Hair to a man is like tail feathers to a peacock," Dr. Jing wisely explained. "A man's hair helps define him as an individual and plays a tremendous part in establishing his sexual identity. Therefore, in a man's eyes, when his hair goes, so goes his manhood. Like a plucked peacock, he may experience a dramatic loss of self-worth and self-confidence, especially where the opposite sex is concerned. Such feelings of inadequacy can lead to deep depression, bouts of paranoia, periods of anti-social behavior, a lifetime membership in the Hair Club For Men - all sorts of horrible things!"
"Dr. Jing, what can a man do to work through these feelings of inadequacy?" I asked.
"They should seek out a licensed psychotherapist to help guide them through recovery," Dr. Jing concluded. "Or they could just take all their money and buy themselves a new Porsche. Nothing diverts attention from a cue ball head like an expensive, German sports car."
Great advice, Doc. I can't wait to tell Curly -- I mean, Steve.
About the Author
From "Small Business Q&A" With Tim Knox Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, author, speaker, and radio show host. Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize their business dreams.

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Fatherhood According To Larry

My husband has been known to have some unconventional behavior at times. Some of it is intentional and some of it is not. I especially remember some of his earlier antics.
Men who grew up with much younger siblings are more naturally at ease with taking care of babies. Larry did not have this advantage. It soon became evident the night our friends, Jim and Sally, came over for dinner with their 6 month old child. Wanting to give my husband some practice time in handling babies, Sally handed over her baby to Larry to hold for a few minutes. He was clearly nervous and uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do. When I announced that dinner was ready, Larry who is always the first in line when it comes to food, eagerly turned to put the baby down on the blanket so he could eat. Although my husband was not kid savvy, he was quite familiar with cats, particularly how they can survive falls from great heights. The fact that he was holding a baby and not a cat did not occur to him. He just didn’t make that connection. Thus, Larry bent down so that he was within approximately a foot or so of the blanket and tossed the baby expecting that this little creature would make a perfect landing. Everyone stood in horror as the baby left his arms and clumsily landed on the blanket. We all stood with mouths wide open and out stretched arms hoping that one of us would be able to cushion the impact. Unfortunately, no one could react in time, but we were all quite relieved that the baby was okay and survived my husband’s naïveté.
Shortly after this episode I became pregnant. My husband and I attended Lamaze classes as most expectant parents did. One night at Lamaze class, Larry shared his theory about how he believed that this birthing thing was not as bad as women made it seem. He was joking of course, but since no one in the room really knew him, his comments were taken seriously. He pointed out that many women of other cultures often gave birth in the farm fields and went right back to work. He felt that American women were pampered too much. His saw no reason why we shouldn’t just get over it and go back to work immediately. My husband was not well received that night, but he loved the fact that he could stir things up so much.
When our son was born, Larry helped by doing the housework and anything else that needed attention. He became more proficient at holding and bathing the baby, and would occasionally change a wet diaper, but shied away from changing the soiled ones. After a month of this, I decided that he needed to do his share of dirty diapers. I issued the ultimatum…. Do it or wear it! I called him over and instructed him on what to do. I did most of the work, but after that first time handling a diaper full of those little surprises, he broke out into a sweat and had to go lay down on the bed. It simply was too much for him to handle. After all the drama, he went on to change hundreds of dirty diapers. In my mind, Larry was now officially a father!
In retrospect, my husband should have been labeled hazardous material and our family has the scars to prove it. Larry had painted our bedroom just prior to my giving birth to our second child. He had not gotten around to putting the sliding closet doors back on their tracks and instead just propped them up against the wall. One morning, my husband was getting ready for work and had moved one of the doors to get his clothes. I was still asleep and unaware of the perilous situation. As he was about to step out of the bedroom, the thirty-pound door fell over giving me and my nose a wake up call that I will never forget. After the initial shock and viewing the gruesome site, I immediately gazed over at my 3-week-old son sleeping in his bassinet at the foot of the bed. He was happy and sound asleep. My nose was broken and in need of stitches. The closet doors were hung back on their tracks that day.
Leaving my husband in charge of the kids always tended to make me a little nervous. Larry often enjoyed spending time cast fishing from a canoe with our older son who was 3 years old at the time. He was concerned about safety and always made our son wear a life preserver. Unfortunately, I should have insisted that our son also wear a helmet because one day Larry returned to the house announcing that we needed to go to the hospital. He had cast the fishing hook into the back of our son’s head!
Our younger son did not fare much better in his father’s hands. When our son was about 6 months old, I put Larry in charge of the kids so that I could do some errands. I would only be gone for an hour. What could possibly happen? When I returned, I was greeted at the door with that all too familiar announcement that we needed to go to the hospital. My son had fallen out of a chair and cut his head.
Over the years I’ve learned to anticipate certain behaviors, as my husband is predictable in some respects. However, sometimes there is just no way of knowing what he is going to say or do next. Living with him is never easy, but it is certainly never dull. Helmets are a must.
About the Author
Beside writing humorous stories, Sue Ticotin's, Defining Elegance LLC also offers baby bedding and luxury bedding and duvets , European fine linens, custom bedding, coverlets, throws, shams, baby bedding, decorative pillows, draperies, and accessories.

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Excuses For When Your Business Card Holder Turns Up in the Most Unlikely Places

This society's penchant for personal branding and individuality has lead to complications. When you do not want to be identified, you will be and when you desire anonymity, you will gain notoriety.
Unlike clothes, you cannot disown a personalized business card holder with business cards in it! So what happens when your business card holder is found in these places and everybody you know teases and confronts you about it?
Sleazy Motels
Sometimes, but hopefully not often, you will stay in a roadside motel with a reputation for being a lovers' nest, a prostitutes' haven, and a brothel front. This is not to say that you frequent these motels but road mishaps do happen especially when you are on a hanky-panky business with your paramour! (Such an old-fashioned yet appropriate word, don't you think?)
What do you tell your wife when the desk clerk calls to return your leather wallet with your initialed business card holder to boot?
* Your car was in an accident and the motel was the nearest accommodation available. Well, it is the truth so you get to tell just half a lie. It is good for your conscience, don't you think?
* Your buddies surreptitiously got your wallet with the business card holder tucked inside and played a prank on you. This is a good one when your buddies will cover your ass anytime of day, no questions asked, and the desk clerk is incapable of speech and thought. Good luck on the second one.
Strip Clubs/Brothels
Uh-oh. You are in trouble. But have no fear; you can always lay the blame on others, on alcohol, on fate, on the weather and on your wife herself. Here is how:
* You can tell your wife that your buddies dragged you into the club but you just watched the show. Cross your heart and hope to die. (Well, actually you crossed your fingers those girls will take it all off.) At the same time, your buddies are also laying the blame on you so that makes all of you even Steven.
* You got so drunk you were barely aware of where you were, which explains the wayward wallet with the business card holder. You slept through the whole show and your buddies helped you get home, Again, better pray to the gods of men that your buddies will cover up for you anytime, big time!
* You were fated to be there that night. If your wife is a big believer in destiny, then maybe it is your destiny to fool her, too. Maybe.
* You just found cover from a brewing storm inside the club. Is there something wrong in keeping your head safe from lightings? Certainly not!
* This is the ultimate. You can tell your wife it is her fault because either she does not cater to your needs anymore or she is not desirable anymore or that she constantly fights with you and you needed to get off steam. You can always pick a fight and divert the issue, right?
However, something bad can be said about leaving something as identifiable as your business card holder in these places. What on God's earth were you thinking when you brought your business accessories to these places anyway?
You will not be in trouble now and reading this if you divested yourself of business articles before going on monkey business, will you?
About the Author
You will not be ashamed to carry around high-quality engraved Zippos and a genuine leather money clip from ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com, even when your business card holder gets lost in the most unlikely of places. Find all these and more at ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com today!

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10 More Silly Lorry Stories!

As I reported in my previous article, ‘World's Top 10 Silly Lorry Stories’, lorries and lorry drivers seem to have a habit of being involved in some of the world’s quirkiest news stories. Well, with a little delving, I’ve discovered many more ridiculous lorry stories. Here is my second top 10!
Chicken run
A lorry driver made a 100-mile trip with a live chicken under his bonnet. The truck driver only heard the hen clucking when he arrived at an Asda depot near Chepstow, Monmouthshire. Transport clerk Alex Viljoen said: ‘The lorry driver was afraid to pick the bird up. She was a bit warm and there was oil on her feathers, but she seemed quite happy.’ The chicken was taken to vet Caroline Marlow and given a clean bill of health - then laid an egg. Caroline said: ‘We think she was copying Chicken Run and trying to escape.’
False alert
A German lorry driver caused a crash on a busy autobahn after biting into an apple and swallowing his false teeth. Peter Seiler, 57, was driving on the A3 motorway near Wuerzburg when he decided to tuck into the apple. But he chocked on a piece of the apple and as he coughed he ended up swallowing his false teeth. As he struggled for air he lost control and crashed his haulage vehicle into another car. No one was hurt in the incident.
Bow-wowing 747
A retired lorry driver and his wife halted a packed jet just before take-off - after seeing their dog bounding alongside on the runway. Terry and Susan Smith, both 58, were set to fly to a new life in Lanzarote when they spotted spaniel Poppy, who is believed to have chewed her way out of her crate as the plane was about to taxi to the runway. Terry said: ‘we were in our seats ready for take-off when we suddenly saw Poppy on the runway. I was really worried about her.’ Pet transport firm Animal Airlines said it was the first time a dog had escaped in their 40 years of business.
Strange signs
Road signs in Polish have been put up in Cheshire to stop Polish-speaking lorry drivers getting confused. One sign reads ‘Do A 49 Whitchurch skrec w nastepna droge w prawo’ which means ‘For A49 to Whitchurch turn right at next junction’. The council said there was a significant Polish population in the Crewe area, thought to be about 3,000, and a number made their living as commercial truck drivers. Cheshire County Council's county engineer, Steve Kent, said: ‘Polish people are part of the community and we need to cater for their needs.’
Snake break
A lorry driver who stopped for a toilet break in a lay-by got a shock when he discovered he was being watched by an 8ft python. The snake weaved its way toward his feet as he stopped his haulage vehicle for the break on the A59, near York. He called police who alerted RSPCA staff, reports the York Press. Animal collection officer Helen Martindale said: ‘The lorry driver said he got the shock of his life when he saw it crawling out of the bushes.’ The snake was put in a box and taken to a sanctuary in Knaresborough.
Haunted house
A former long-distance lorry driver is preparing to sue the previous owners of their house for not telling them it was haunted. Gaetano Bastianelli, 57, and his wife Stefania bought the home in the Umbrian town of Spoleto in 2005. ‘The ghosts started their haunting on the first night,’ said Mr Bastianelli. He claimed that malevolent spirits had left ‘luminous green mould all over the walls’, and that the lawnmower and his wife's car had spontaneously combusted. A local historian, Sergio Grifoni, confirmed that an exorcism had been performed on a girl in the house in 1977.
Lorry driver lockout
A lorry driver got home to find himself locked out and his clothes dumped in the street - after a bank repossessed the wrong house. Robin Naylor, 57, said: ‘I tried to open the door and found the locks had been changed.’ Mr Booth finally got to the bottom of the mystery when he discovered that bailiffs had been sent to the wrong address by Halifax Bank after ‘an administrative error’. Angry Robin said: ‘I can't believe how they can get it wrong with something so important.’ The Halifax said: ‘we are very sorry. It was a human error.’
Look - no hands!
Police who pulled up an overloaded haulage vehicle in China were amazed to find the lorry driver had no hands. The lorry was stopped for carrying five times its permitted load of six tonnes. ‘When we came to the cab window, we were surprised to see the driver was handless,’ said a Jimo city traffic police spokesman. The driver, Zhang, was handling the unadapted lorry with the stumps on his wrists - and didn't even have a driving licence. Police gave Zhang, whose hands were blown off by firecrackers when he was 12, a £15 ticket and he promised never to drive again.
Helmet-head
A Chinese truck driver whose vehicle was wrecked in a smash bought a crash helmet and carried on his journey. Officers could not believe their eyes when they saw the driver wearing his crash helmet in the crushed shell of his cab. A police spokesman said: ‘We signalled the driver to stop immediately, and he told us he had to continue, since he was under contract and had a very tight schedule.’ The driver, Mr Zhao, of Wuhan city, told them he had an accident delivering vegetables to Hunan province. ‘I found the truck was still functional, so I bought myself a helmet and continued,’ he said. Police forced Zhao to get the truck fixed before driving it again.
The one about the 55 anteaters
Police in Thailand have arrested a man on suspicion of trying to smuggle 55 anteaters out of the country in a lorry. The man claimed he had been employed to deliver the anteaters, a protected species in Thailand, to Nong Khai province where a smuggler planned to take them across the border to Laos, The Bangkok Post reports. He told police the animals would have continued their journey to China, where they would eventually have been killed and eaten.
About the Author
Lyall Cresswell is the Managing Director for the Transport Exchange Group. Haulage Exchange, their freight exchange for the 7.5 tonne and above market, offers an independent environment for its members to swap haulage loads.

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Holiday Humor

- My friend mentioned that he and his wife are taking out a home equity line of credit to buy Christmas presents. Isn't that a little crazy? Instead, my wife and I agreed that we're limiting our spending to what we have -- our existing home equity line of credit.
- Another friend says he's disturbed by the over-emphasis on gift giving around Christmas. So this year he's taking a different approach. He's focusing on gift receiving.
- A compliment better left unsaid: Marvelous! You fill out that Santa suit better than anyone else I've ever seen.
- Which reminds me ... I was complaining to my wife that I'm heavy enough to play Santa Claus. But she assured me that I'm not overweight. She says I just need to grow several inches taller.
- If only I could clone a taller me! But actually the idea of human cloning kind of creeps me out. I mean imagine if one year I had to buy myself a Christmas present. If that ever happened, I swear I'd be beside myself.
- At this time of year you know you're in trouble if you're thinking, "I sure wish I had anti-lock brakes."
- ... OR there's another view: Anti-lock brakes are for the cowardly; the courageous file insurance claims.
- During the holidays, staying well-organized is no harder than simply being really good it.
- The best way for a person with a Scrooge-like personality to avoid broken friendships is to pick friends with short memories.
- You know you've arrived when you're featured in the Christmas parade as Grand Marshall. You know you haven't arrived when you're featured in the parade as the street sweeper.
-A holiday-time reminder: Never take your friends and family for granted. Be thankful they let you take advantage of them.
- Driving to a Christmas Sale across town to save a buck always feels better than staying home to save 2 bucks on gas.
- To all you guys who get an electric razor for Christmas and plan to shave while you drive: That's a pretty risky stunt. What are you going to do if your shaver battery runs out?
- On Christmas Day my family considers it essential to say a mealtime prayer. It's the only chance we have to survive my cooking.
- Though we've all tried it, turning on defrosters really won't clear a dirty windshield.
- If your teen is bored over Christmas break, here's a tip to end the boredom. Offer your teen a job. Suddenly, he or she will find all kinds of great things to do.
- The love we share at Christmas reminds us of something very important. If you truly love someone, set them free. If they remain, you know their love is true. If they leave, you'll have to go get them.
- My son is studying to become a genetic engineer. He hopes someday to splice a gene from a lightning bug into a tulip to make it glow. This will allow us to decorate our "artificial" Christmas trees with "real" light bulbs.
- Even on icy roads it's considered poor taste to stop your vehicle by relying on the brakes of the car in front of you.
- Have you taken advantage of this freebee? During snowy weather, many communities offer a service where their snow plows will bury your car at no charge.
- A deep thought as we approach the new year: It's important to maintain the status quo, because that's just the way it is.
- My New Year's resolution this year is quite simply this: I'm not making one!
About the Author
Looking for a unique Christmas gift? The Unique Christmas Gift marketplace features digital gifts sure to please anyone.

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